Three Weddings and a Funeral

This month i have attended to three weddings and last night I have finally attended to a funeral.

I want to know more about human emotion since i have no experience in my entire life, i read people like a wikipedia.

Sadness = is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness. When sad, people often become quiet, less energetic, and withdrawn.

Happiness = is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy. A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have been taken to defining happiness and identifying its sources.

I don't know for what reason I have none in my life, I got all the reason I want to blame my parents and their education, but at the same time can i really blame them?

Anyway can't work out the shitty past they claim to be good, I am off to the highway now, weddings are happy place and funeral is a sad place, i want to understand both, why men has tears and why woman wave their hands before they get marry. Then I have found out I am such a sad person living a life like this, i have lost my 26 years, the more i think of it, the more i want my parents go to hell, well, i can't, because i should love them, “should” but i can't.

Anyway, as polite and civilize person i feel sorrow for them, yet I can't even I want to understand their pain, the funeral is a mother of friends of my dad, they served in the same church and split up, haven't talked in years, they saw me grew up and i saw them debate with my dad, my mum and myself represent my family.

The funeral is held in Chinese Christianity tradition, even that it is full of sadness (please note sadness is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness.), i prefer the western one, simple and less religious, bring some flowers in the afternoon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, everyone wearing a sunglasses, black suit, jobs' done, everyone go home. I want to know what it feels like when I lost someone I love, but I don't want to see that happen at the same time?

The Chinese one has to be at night, sometimes the relative have to stay over-night, then every guest has to walk along and look at the dead people to pay our final respect, i had no intention to look at a dead woman i don't even meet in life, but i am sure the respect have to show for those who is still living today.

For my own funeral this is a big no no, why look upon the dead when respect and love only mean to those who once lived? For those important to me will eventually meet in heaven anyway supposed to be something really happy.

I had no contribution but I start to realize if I want to understand more I need to experience more. It is another confirmation why I need to take this job as an insurance agent, is to learn how to understand.

Core Value

Value investing is suggested by Warren Edward Buffett, it means when you place your bet on something, do not see its current price but pay attention to its true value.

For example, a can of coke cost $5, but there are rumors saying the cokes are poisoned, therefore the majority are affected and sell every coke on their hand, and it causes the price of a can of coke drop to $1 per can.

What Buffett suggest is, you should not make selling/ buying decision according to the current price, but find out the truth whether the can of coke really has been poison, if not, buy as much as possible because the price has dropped, if yes, sell all of them.

I soon find out it just not work on objects but on person as well.

Not long ago a cousin of mine got some relationship problem, and it caused a devastating effect on her, causing her to a very bad situation, most people including her boyfriend and her parents so disappointed, her ex-boyfriend said to me: Who want a girl like that? And even her mum moaning about this to me and say: Sometimes why on earth this is my daughter?

It is when the majority just take what it seems, do not want to seek out the true value and missing all the good bits in life, it also explain why the few are successful investors. I love people and intend to seek for their core value, for she is pretty and tough inside, I know at some point she will able to pick it up herself, it is just the matter of time and need not worry, a helping hand would be nice, even not just shut up and let her stay down for awhile.

One of the scene in the movie Rocky, he has been beaten up so badly laying on the floor, he has only 10 second to get up, he want to struggle to get up, but his coach Mike shout at him: stay down. What he really means is ask him to fully use that 10 second to give himself some space and air to breath. This scene inspire me so much more than its main scene with gay rock music (am sorry but it was 1970). Sometimes you have to let yourself stay down for a little bit longer.

Firstly you need to know your value and those you rely on, if fooled by its current situation and "ugliness", you have missed out all the best bit in life, secondly, believe in your own value no matter what people tell you.

That’s how God have made me, that's how I believe in myself, that’s how I believe in my father and many friends and relative I have placed my trust in. Know the core value and have faith in it.

Reality 2.0

Our company has finished a marketing campaign in the last 2 months, there are 3500 agents involve and our district has around 800, the campaign started right after I apply for the job, so i was totally unpreperaed, firstly my reason of getting this job is to being really down-to-earth and understand the reality had no connection to me.

The reality is not as bad as I imagine, esp. getting in a good team under God's will give me a lot of insight, I have loads of question has not been answered but I am sure they will reveal as I experience more and more.

Not saying it is not difficult but there is always someone hand me a cup of water while needed, or remind me why I should be here because most outsiders even my parents and those who care for me would probably say: Calvin you don't need to be here, you have both the capacity and ability to get something better.

As good as it sounds I am working against my own nature and both bitterness and hardship must be paid for a long-term sweetness to come.

I have all the theories in this world inside my head, they sound all very righteous until you execute them yourself in a world I have never stepped foot in.

More and more I understand this path is a must do for my future as it forces me to see the truth ability, as a friend stated before, a girl with pretty face has better suvival chance than most guys who hold a phd or a master degree. I shared this in our team meeting and most of the people esp. those who presist long enough to remind here, enjoying the benefit they worked for.

No matter how good the words I use, every single day, week and month the result is right on the board to tell you the different who you think you are and what actually you are. Reality do not care whether you are PHD or a 40 years old single mum, it reflects the truth, either you are proud of yourself or it gives you a slap on your face.

Out of the 800 i rank 250, but the production is around 2000, which the top is about 1.4 million, this campaign tells me how it can be used as a model which reflect the behavior and reaction any organisation or the world when it is being pushed forward for a common purpose.

70% of the company earning is base on the work of 30% of the labor, it is when people are being pushed, firstly i am happy to be in that 30%, secondly i know i could be better if i had more time to adapt, work harder, listen more or not engage so fast.

these few days i put myself to bed eariler than normal days, to clear my head what i have been doing and whether how i see my past was just, the girl i used to love see me as a self-righteous crazy perverted creep in her email, it doesn't give me any feeling, but it makes me think, i used to judge people through my religious education background, i hated my father for that to death, so now i understand why she looked at me like that and not blame her that.

Everyone see things according to their own standard, sometimes I had so many question and start to question why on earth it is only me who raise so many question.

Yet as simpler I should think each day, my life is insignificant in the history of the timeline no matter what I do even to the most holiness or most evil my work/ influence will be forgotten, so that i need not worry how people see me because in reality one's image is the most unstable value can get, yet somehow people care about it most.

文字的力量

近來個市有ｄ靜，都是約下人食下飯，所以寫多少少．

以前很喜歡看一些名人的自傳，有時覺得為甚麼這樣都講出口，或寫這些東西跟自己有甚麼關係？不怕人如何看嗎？這是當我活在自己的世界所能理解的，以為全世界都要關自己事．

在這一刻終於明白人能寫自己的東西很多時候是讓自己好過一點，要不是一些回憶錄幫助相同處境的人，人如何看已經不重要．真的，有甚麼重要？說了甚麼令人討厭的，甚麼令人喜歡的，甚麼令人憎恨的，甚麼令人感動的，誰會理會？難道他會到你家打你或抱著你哭泣？看完之後就變成他腦中的0.1%．

世界最有影響力的都是文字．奧古斯丁一本「懺悔錄」就把歐洲之後千年的歷史改寫，尼采一本「上帝之死」就挑動起所有哲學家的神經線，希特勒一本「我的奮鬥」就挑起第二次世界大戰．金庸也說要是他的小說一百年後有甚麼人看他自己已經很滿意．現時最多的書第一是「聖經」，第二就是「人性的弱點」(How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie)．

自己兩本書都看到很熟，運用第一本時頭頭碰著黑，運用第二本時真的順風順水，如魚得水，但任何對自己誠實的人都知道真東西永遠都不會受歡迎，真相永遠都是傷心的，真話永遠都是難聽的．

千萬次問自己為甚麼迫自己不好好過些容易的日子，沒有人要求這樣做，或者寫些甚麼甚麼，對甚麼人付責任，要關心甚麼人．命運安排真的很奇怪，每次準備放棄的時候又會讀到些甚麼，然後就會：唉，都是要做下去．．．

試過有一次連書都不想看，阿媽竟然隨手拿篇野放到自己眼前，看完之後真的要命，講中全部我想逃避的事情，要是她當時知道對他兒子讀完之後對他將來有多大影響，她不會天真地拿出來，然後說：看啦看啦．

很多寫過的東西都是當時需要，沒有故意想得到甚麼人的認同，要是不寫就要死，寫出來好過點還是自己屈到病任君選擇，所以人說「悲劇是文學之母」．


文字可以成為最厲害的武器，也可以是最安慰人心的力量，能將別人成為自己的奴隸為自己利益行動，也可以賜人自由，能控制文字的人是世界上最有權力的人．我期望有一天自己能收放自如．

爛gag一個

有次補習個小朋友問我：如果魚係魚蛋粉，牛係牛腩粉，咁蛇係咩粉？

唔知．

答案：係Seven-Eleven．

我O左咀．

改變世界

甚麼時候很有大志，有要改變世界的雄心，地球要在自己手中轉動，萬國在自己腳下臣服．

甚麼時候太過孤獨，想有個心愛的人睡在自己的身旁已經很滿意，以為對自己的要求從改變世界到要求一個人睡在自己的胸膛上真的下降到底，才發現發現找個心愛的人已經很難，找到的時候發現她不一定也心愛你，心愛你的也未必願意靜靜的跟你在一起，到某天晚上她靜靜地睡在你的旁邊，看著她的身體，聞著她頭髮的氣味．知道明天大家就要分開了．

甚麼時候跟個很喜歡的女孩子吵架，說了些傷害的說話，忿怒她的無知，不能理解，後來自己冷靜下來，發現把自己的尊嚴都拖下水，她都是當你是瘋子，因為她跟本不在乎上太空不上太空，她要的只不過是一些快樂的生活．美國上月球的時候對人心的影響有多大？這些看似人類歷史的里程碑，不過如似．

考驗

前幾天教會幾個弟兄姊妹約聚會完去西貢行山，我未認真行過山，又話好呀好呀，今朝五分鐘才起床出門，甚麼都不帶，後來覺得好似有ｄ唔好，帶埋個空背包，又覺得帶個空包有無聊，又匆匆忙忙帶埋本聖經．聚會完幾個人集合，發現個個帶個袋，又有枝stick，又有地圖，行山鞋，外套，電筒．．．我只有個空包，部Nokia 1208有個小電燈．仲未知死．

去到西貢吃午餐，風大有ｄ冷，已經知道不妙．

三點半左右開始行麥理浩徑，領隊打開張地圖，要上兩座山，上到３９９米雞公山．沒有多想就行．跟想像完全不同，未認真行過，以為有山有水，點知一開波就上一百米的石階．發現自己成日將「簡單問題複雜化，複雜問題簡單化．」人隨口一句說話就無限放大，但行山就掉以輕心，以為好簡單．

不過handle到，見到ｄ風景區好舒服，一直上上落落，都要講信任身邊的人才是最重要，好明顯如果有另外的人叫我去，自然就會問得好清楚．

行的時候會想今晚打篇應該寫甚麼，個腦run得太快幾十個topic好快就有，但自己打字速度奇慢，如果有個秘書打字神速，或有部電腦可以口述，一日真的可以upload幾十萬字．有時知道自己很多想法可以幫到人，但有心無力，得兩隻手指按下按下先嘔一篇出來．

Anyway，行到六點左右在山同山之間，天色漸黑，大家都拿電筒出來，未想過夜晚行山．．．試過的人就知感覺　：）

七時多行完，十公里行了一共四個小時左右，突然覺得自己fit左好多，在英國最痛苦的幾年，差不多要死去，行完感受跟其他人是另一個景象．知道沒有選擇錯工作，四個月日日行街是不經不覺fit左，但是沒有指標，今日完全feel到身體回復五六成就handle這樣的難度，雖然不是很大的考驗，卻對自信心很有幫助，仲想通好多好多東西．

Perfect.