Big problem Small problem.

This Sunday service the speaker who own his own business talked about the recently financial crisis, the worst is yet to come, as well as the company district meeting.

It made me re-address my own financial status and asking few close friends to address that as an issue too, mostly feel comfortable and few feel stress.

It is the time when i feel absolutely powerless how much i can do, I can't be like Jesus stopped the storm by words, and I ain't so great neither, still have trouble working out my past, the one I love greatly misunderstood me, I have guilt towards my family, take pressure from great expectation, hardest time adapting a job I never thought I should be in, and impossible to seek peace from God.

It does occur to me most people, i would say none of the people I have met have shown me a bit of hope that they contains their own problems, relationship, works, worries, family, etc.

I used to think all these small problem will become no problem when a bigger problem comes around, the more I understand this world (only like 4 months), I am wrong.

Enormous talk with friends and relatives let me know the small problem is actually the biggest problem, even to me what trouble me most is why that girl don't talk to me? Or why my father throw away my lovely toy when I was like 5 years old, all these little sad memories cause me problem facing everyday.

Now I would like you to know most people do not admit this is because we are adults it makes us look like a little kids moaning about why my boyfriend say I am fat?

And the reality reflect that it is the truth all these little things seems more important than the big problem personally, say I would like to warn people the financial crisis will hit us harder in the next few years, there are things we need to know, in some extend (not that I do not concern) I felt I am spending so less time practicing my selling techniques or my image, because when the reality hit us, it will force people to put money into secure place e.g. Insurance company, that not i worry about, clients will roll in.

Everyday i would like to talk to people to resolve their little problem, this mother talked about her daughter hasn't come home for few days, she asked me what on earth our teenager think about? The girl concern she will never get marry, or this guy kept saying he is not confident enough to get a girlfriend, my patient is truly tested.

Ignore the money and commission and purely looking at the board picture in front of us, my logics want to scream out: check your priority.

But whenever i want to do that I look at myself, how different am i to them? I might be intelligent, I might be wise, I might have theories, but fundamental I am always trouble by all these little problem, you see i know what to do to prepare for the upcoming crisis, but how long does it take me? 30-60 minutes?

Yet how long does it take me to overcome those little problem of mine? Why the girl i like hate me? Why i have a childhood like that? Why i have so many questions? Why do I have to born? Why i have to struck in here? Why God put me into this difficult position? Will I lose my job?

90% of my time! Not that i ain't working, but for example today, i decided to make more cold calls, yet i have spent 30 minutes sit there in front of the telephone wondering this is too fxxking hard, do a bit facebook, throw few questions, read something, then I decided to go home because I have a holiday tomorrow.

Now this is the little problem that cause the world big problem, never over-population, never the survival of the mankind, only 1% of the population concern about those things, I used to be that 1%, but now it seems I have to learn to focus on these little problem of mine before I try to resolve those big problem.

Law of Large Numbers

Law of Large Numbers (LLN) is a theorem in probability that describes the long-term stability of the mean of a random variable. Given a random variable with a finite expected value, if its values are repeatedly sampled, as the number of these observations increases, their mean will tend to approach and stay close to the expected value.

Too complicated? Ok, for example, what is the chance of throwing a coin getting tail or head? Everyone knows it is 50/50.

but when you actually do it and throw a coin 10 times, what percentage do you get? Maybe 3 heads 7 tail or 6 tail 4 heads right? Yet when you increase the times of throwing, e.g. 100 times, 1000 times, 1 million times, the more you throw, the chance of getting the expected percentage 50/50 will  get closer and closer.

Useless information? I know, but we live under this law every single day, just we don't feel it because none of us will do the same thing over and over again.

How is this practical? It pays extremely important part in insurance, but I am not going to talk about that today.

Recently I am making cold call, according to LLN, the expected successful rate of getting an appointment from cold call is roughly 3%, it means when i make 100 calls to random people, no matter how i charming or use the best techniques, the appointments i will make is between 2-4%.

Most new people who don't know this rules they will spend enormous time to work on their techniques, but after awhile they know it is the same no matter how hard they try, just do it and keep it simple.

I know the theory, yet knowing the theory is one thing, actually do it is another thing, i scared like everyone else, no one want to hear 97 no and only 3 yes.

My manager's manager is a 40 years old woman, career type, when she started her career in insurance she had no friends since she was back from Canada, therefore cold call was the only way, after 15 years she now has roughly 1000+ clients, all from cold calls.

According to this law of large number, and consider she is so good at selling that her successful deal closing rate is 1/3, she have made 100,000 cold calls, in order to get 3000 appointments to achieve that 1000+ clients.

Can you not respect that?

I have started my first 100, and my deal closing rate is so low, like 10%? Long way to go kid, this is crazy.

Three Weddings and a Funeral

This month i have attended to three weddings and last night I have finally attended to a funeral.

I want to know more about human emotion since i have no experience in my entire life, i read people like a wikipedia.

Sadness = is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness. When sad, people often become quiet, less energetic, and withdrawn.

Happiness = is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy. A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have been taken to defining happiness and identifying its sources.

I don't know for what reason I have none in my life, I got all the reason I want to blame my parents and their education, but at the same time can i really blame them?

Anyway can't work out the shitty past they claim to be good, I am off to the highway now, weddings are happy place and funeral is a sad place, i want to understand both, why men has tears and why woman wave their hands before they get marry. Then I have found out I am such a sad person living a life like this, i have lost my 26 years, the more i think of it, the more i want my parents go to hell, well, i can't, because i should love them, “should” but i can't.

Anyway, as polite and civilize person i feel sorrow for them, yet I can't even I want to understand their pain, the funeral is a mother of friends of my dad, they served in the same church and split up, haven't talked in years, they saw me grew up and i saw them debate with my dad, my mum and myself represent my family.

The funeral is held in Chinese Christianity tradition, even that it is full of sadness (please note sadness is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness.), i prefer the western one, simple and less religious, bring some flowers in the afternoon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, everyone wearing a sunglasses, black suit, jobs' done, everyone go home. I want to know what it feels like when I lost someone I love, but I don't want to see that happen at the same time?

The Chinese one has to be at night, sometimes the relative have to stay over-night, then every guest has to walk along and look at the dead people to pay our final respect, i had no intention to look at a dead woman i don't even meet in life, but i am sure the respect have to show for those who is still living today.

For my own funeral this is a big no no, why look upon the dead when respect and love only mean to those who once lived? For those important to me will eventually meet in heaven anyway supposed to be something really happy.

I had no contribution but I start to realize if I want to understand more I need to experience more. It is another confirmation why I need to take this job as an insurance agent, is to learn how to understand.

Core Value

Value investing is suggested by Warren Edward Buffett, it means when you place your bet on something, do not see its current price but pay attention to its true value.

For example, a can of coke cost $5, but there are rumors saying the cokes are poisoned, therefore the majority are affected and sell every coke on their hand, and it causes the price of a can of coke drop to $1 per can.

What Buffett suggest is, you should not make selling/ buying decision according to the current price, but find out the truth whether the can of coke really has been poison, if not, buy as much as possible because the price has dropped, if yes, sell all of them.

I soon find out it just not work on objects but on person as well.

Not long ago a cousin of mine got some relationship problem, and it caused a devastating effect on her, causing her to a very bad situation, most people including her boyfriend and her parents so disappointed, her ex-boyfriend said to me: Who want a girl like that? And even her mum moaning about this to me and say: Sometimes why on earth this is my daughter?

It is when the majority just take what it seems, do not want to seek out the true value and missing all the good bits in life, it also explain why the few are successful investors. I love people and intend to seek for their core value, for she is pretty and tough inside, I know at some point she will able to pick it up herself, it is just the matter of time and need not worry, a helping hand would be nice, even not just shut up and let her stay down for awhile.

One of the scene in the movie Rocky, he has been beaten up so badly laying on the floor, he has only 10 second to get up, he want to struggle to get up, but his coach Mike shout at him: stay down. What he really means is ask him to fully use that 10 second to give himself some space and air to breath. This scene inspire me so much more than its main scene with gay rock music (am sorry but it was 1970). Sometimes you have to let yourself stay down for a little bit longer.

Firstly you need to know your value and those you rely on, if fooled by its current situation and "ugliness", you have missed out all the best bit in life, secondly, believe in your own value no matter what people tell you.

That’s how God have made me, that's how I believe in myself, that’s how I believe in my father and many friends and relative I have placed my trust in. Know the core value and have faith in it.

Reality 2.0

Our company has finished a marketing campaign in the last 2 months, there are 3500 agents involve and our district has around 800, the campaign started right after I apply for the job, so i was totally unpreperaed, firstly my reason of getting this job is to being really down-to-earth and understand the reality had no connection to me.

The reality is not as bad as I imagine, esp. getting in a good team under God's will give me a lot of insight, I have loads of question has not been answered but I am sure they will reveal as I experience more and more.

Not saying it is not difficult but there is always someone hand me a cup of water while needed, or remind me why I should be here because most outsiders even my parents and those who care for me would probably say: Calvin you don't need to be here, you have both the capacity and ability to get something better.

As good as it sounds I am working against my own nature and both bitterness and hardship must be paid for a long-term sweetness to come.

I have all the theories in this world inside my head, they sound all very righteous until you execute them yourself in a world I have never stepped foot in.

More and more I understand this path is a must do for my future as it forces me to see the truth ability, as a friend stated before, a girl with pretty face has better suvival chance than most guys who hold a phd or a master degree. I shared this in our team meeting and most of the people esp. those who presist long enough to remind here, enjoying the benefit they worked for.

No matter how good the words I use, every single day, week and month the result is right on the board to tell you the different who you think you are and what actually you are. Reality do not care whether you are PHD or a 40 years old single mum, it reflects the truth, either you are proud of yourself or it gives you a slap on your face.

Out of the 800 i rank 250, but the production is around 2000, which the top is about 1.4 million, this campaign tells me how it can be used as a model which reflect the behavior and reaction any organisation or the world when it is being pushed forward for a common purpose.

70% of the company earning is base on the work of 30% of the labor, it is when people are being pushed, firstly i am happy to be in that 30%, secondly i know i could be better if i had more time to adapt, work harder, listen more or not engage so fast.

these few days i put myself to bed eariler than normal days, to clear my head what i have been doing and whether how i see my past was just, the girl i used to love see me as a self-righteous crazy perverted creep in her email, it doesn't give me any feeling, but it makes me think, i used to judge people through my religious education background, i hated my father for that to death, so now i understand why she looked at me like that and not blame her that.

Everyone see things according to their own standard, sometimes I had so many question and start to question why on earth it is only me who raise so many question.

Yet as simpler I should think each day, my life is insignificant in the history of the timeline no matter what I do even to the most holiness or most evil my work/ influence will be forgotten, so that i need not worry how people see me because in reality one's image is the most unstable value can get, yet somehow people care about it most.

文字的力量

近來個市有ｄ靜，都是約下人食下飯，所以寫多少少．

以前很喜歡看一些名人的自傳，有時覺得為甚麼這樣都講出口，或寫這些東西跟自己有甚麼關係？不怕人如何看嗎？這是當我活在自己的世界所能理解的，以為全世界都要關自己事．

在這一刻終於明白人能寫自己的東西很多時候是讓自己好過一點，要不是一些回憶錄幫助相同處境的人，人如何看已經不重要．真的，有甚麼重要？說了甚麼令人討厭的，甚麼令人喜歡的，甚麼令人憎恨的，甚麼令人感動的，誰會理會？難道他會到你家打你或抱著你哭泣？看完之後就變成他腦中的0.1%．

世界最有影響力的都是文字．奧古斯丁一本「懺悔錄」就把歐洲之後千年的歷史改寫，尼采一本「上帝之死」就挑動起所有哲學家的神經線，希特勒一本「我的奮鬥」就挑起第二次世界大戰．金庸也說要是他的小說一百年後有甚麼人看他自己已經很滿意．現時最多的書第一是「聖經」，第二就是「人性的弱點」(How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie)．

自己兩本書都看到很熟，運用第一本時頭頭碰著黑，運用第二本時真的順風順水，如魚得水，但任何對自己誠實的人都知道真東西永遠都不會受歡迎，真相永遠都是傷心的，真話永遠都是難聽的．

千萬次問自己為甚麼迫自己不好好過些容易的日子，沒有人要求這樣做，或者寫些甚麼甚麼，對甚麼人付責任，要關心甚麼人．命運安排真的很奇怪，每次準備放棄的時候又會讀到些甚麼，然後就會：唉，都是要做下去．．．

試過有一次連書都不想看，阿媽竟然隨手拿篇野放到自己眼前，看完之後真的要命，講中全部我想逃避的事情，要是她當時知道對他兒子讀完之後對他將來有多大影響，她不會天真地拿出來，然後說：看啦看啦．

很多寫過的東西都是當時需要，沒有故意想得到甚麼人的認同，要是不寫就要死，寫出來好過點還是自己屈到病任君選擇，所以人說「悲劇是文學之母」．


文字可以成為最厲害的武器，也可以是最安慰人心的力量，能將別人成為自己的奴隸為自己利益行動，也可以賜人自由，能控制文字的人是世界上最有權力的人．我期望有一天自己能收放自如．

爛gag一個

有次補習個小朋友問我：如果魚係魚蛋粉，牛係牛腩粉，咁蛇係咩粉？

唔知．

答案：係Seven-Eleven．

我O左咀．