Lt. Dan Taylor and Forrest Gump

At the end of the year I am under invisible pressure, firstly i ain't doing my job too well so far, not getting there, and adapting Hong Kong culture as a local HK-ese drive me crazy. I am to re-think and re-organize the way people talk before i respond, and it kept loading in my head so it seems a little delay, i hope i will come to all the “amazing” culture in Hong Kong, it wears me out. Sometimes just want to run away, but few things keep me here like a missionary responsible for people they don't even know.

I do know few people is reading my notes from time to time, quite glad to hear that although it was not my initial objective, sometimes i write only because i feel like it, act as a channel to release my stress, to me it is more like a wank *sorry to be rude*, you do it not because you like it but you need it, most of us prefer a real woman, just like i prefer someone who i can communicate, but when i have none in Hong Kong, i can only put things on the facebook, or pray to God, i don't like Him, always being an asshole.

Anyway, Lt. Dan Taylor is a character from the movie Forrest Gump, I used to dislike this movie because it is so boring, there is no fight, no explosion, no sexy women, when you were a kid, you just want something exciting, not looking at a dumb man talking about his life, of course later on this has become one of my favorite.

In the movie, Dan Taylor is a very serious solider, all his families are solider so he felt he has to carry this special mindset and pride, that he has to become the best, not to put shame on his family, and the ultimate glory is to die on the battle field. At first of course he had this American Christian religious belief diverted from Washington and Lincoln.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?

Forrest Gump: I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.

Then someone as "stupid" as Forrest came along, do everything right and straight, and the most ridiculous is he become the hero who save him from the battle field.

He hated it, angry to God, because he felt he should be the one who become hero, he should be die in the battle field to achieve his life objective, he should be the one who get on camera and remembered the people, and he felt even angrier is in the whole wild world the one who achieve all these isn't a perfect hero in his head, but someone like Forrest, an idiot in his eyes, he could not accept it and put all the blame to him.

He has already lost his legs, being kept alive, living a low life. And when Forrest looked for him again,

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: That's what all these cripples down at the VA talk about: Jesus this and Jesus that. They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening and if I found Jesus, I'd get to walk beside him in the kingdom of Heaven. Did you hear what I said? WALK beside him in the kingdom of Heaven! Well kiss my crippled ass. God is listening? What a crock of shit.

Later on he has found the meaning of his life again when he went to shrimp fishing, still not going very well.

Forrest Gump: [dejected] No shrimp.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Where the Hell is this God of yours?

Forrest Gump: [narrating] It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up.

In the storm he has finally released his anger towards all his unhappiness.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Blow, you son-of-a-bitch! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me. I'm right here. Come and get me! You'll never sink this boat!

You know I have watched this movie for couple times, I see a little bit of myself in him, in Forrest, in a lot of character, i have also written a comparison between Forrest Gump and James Bond, but Lt. Dan Taylor's character has pinned in my head.

You see people don't blame or get angry to God/ Heaven when their life is good, they give thanks, there is this guy who has lost everything in his life and wrote the book, conversation with God.

When people in trouble, we find solution, want to resolve them, and squeeze ourselves from the pressure zone, there are loads of self-help books talk about self-esteem, how to be success, increase your EQ, the insurance company have them all, otherwise agents like us can never survive under such condition.

Not everyone has to come down to that stage you know, there are a lot of great people out there can totally rely on themselves get through hard time, in the end Lt. Dan Taylor has settled with his hatred and make up with "God", get marry and have a normal life.

To me, i cannot understand why i have to live with reasons, because sometimes i admire those people can live just because to live, no questions about anything but look for a something better and it is ok, they always say i think too much, but I only live once you know, no matter i go to heaven or not (actually I will), i cannot convince myself, i don't know what I am doing, i cannot waste my life like Lt. Dan after 4-5 years still wondering whether God is a son-of-a-bitch, so i say it now when the storm has not here yet.

My unsatisfactory only belong to myself, what i have asked Him was so simple, fuck your rules, give me a simple life, be free or die trying, i don't need to be someone great, pick someone else, like my father, he can die for you like religious freak, but I have enough for this sh*t.

I start to realize I am still like Lt. Dan Taylor, circle around to the same problem again and again wanting to find a exit.