As great as I can be

People think great person is someone like a war hero, one against 100, or some sort of big-cooperation CEO, or someone invent something to change the way we live, or extraordinary people who save a little kids from car crash, etc.

They can be, not as great as those who live among the reality, a single mother who raise her 3 children all by herself, or a disable person who live a optimistic happy life, or a normal people who has courage to stand against injustice..

Yet even greatest hero or the strongest need time to beg for mercy sometimes, feeling weak and lost the purpose and question for what?

The single mother can explain there are so many mother don't care about their own children, their children is living fine, I can just relax myself for awhile, they will be fine as long as I don't feed them drugs or something, if they choose to go down the wrong path, it was their own choice.

The disable person can say to himself, among all these people why it is me who is disable, do the maths, calculate the %, check the statistic fact sheets, i don't see the reason i belong to this %.

Those who oppose the unjust can say, there are so many unfairness in this world already, mine should not be so important, just let it go.

You know great people do not lie in front of the mirror, the work behind them, those people cannot been seen, make them whoever they are now, and the more i see it, there is no try being, there is only force being, no mother want to be single, no one want to be disable, no one want to be treated unfairly, all these little things we encounter each day has become a sticks hitting us behind us.

You see after the children has grew up, will the mother say i would like to do this again? If the disable person have a chance to get well, will he not take it and say I am fine because i have already living a optimistic life? Or will the victim of injustice claim he/she would like to treated unfairly again because it is so cool to fight back?

So what a great man suppose to live is like when people ask him before his death: Do you want to live again?

He should say: Nah, I don't want to, it was so goddamn hard but what I did was necessary and good.

To understand, not to be understood.

Writing this song with the song Come what May from Moulin Rouge.

Few things that support our livings, Love and being love, care and being cared, Friendship, Family, job satisfaction, being felt important, recognition, praised, reputation.

Life is a like a movie, watched by many, understood by few, and lived only by you. I know what most of us going through our mind, every day we are making choices.

And sometimes can't help it look back and wonder what would i become now if i have chose differently. I wish I have this and that, but the reality hit us so hard, things just don't happen according to our will.

And funny enough the way we see things kept changing, we thought this is the best option I am making, when we looked back we can always say, i was young and stupid, i thought it was the only choice.

Once and awhile, what i really wanted is to get away from my religious family, maybe find a place next to a sea side, get a local jobs, happy enough to support a family, maybe before that i could have tried couple relationship :), Brighton in UK could be a great choice, i don't like get connected to too much people, peaceful and quiet place suited me more, i only require a CD player and a TV and a computer in the house, very very simple, no more complex religious arguments, no politics, no financial worries, just simple.

It turned out reality has not happened, not even close, first my parents still alive, second i don't think i can get away from the religion in my life, thirdly i am already in the financial world, and finally my job is to build relationship, and i can guarantee you Chinese see relationship more important than money, so the quiet and low key life will never happen.

My parents say they have devoted me to "God" before I was born, most people think it is a joke, it is not, this is like winning the lottery 10 times in a row, you won't get away with this at all, all the things you experience and feeling with differ from the majority, you will be extremely lonely even surround by many, and you can never share what you need to bear, and you can never get away with that.

The Christian say it is such a honor, that's a blessing, it seems they don't know what the fuck they are talking about, that's bullshit, God suck this up big time.

As simple as I wanted to be, few romance can't be wrong? Or watch few cantons should be alright? Few comics book looks wouldn't be asking for too much? Got drunk and had some fun should not be forbidden? What has my world has become such a painful experience?

You know how did the great philosopher Aristotle die? He was murdered from the election of the Greeks, because people were so annoyed by his action how he kept going on the street asking people do you know what is the purpose of your life? The guy who were cropping porks in the market replied, how the fxxk do I know Aristotle? I crop porks because I am cropping it.

So is he great or an annoying person?

A mother feed her children, she felt joy to see her children grow, that's why she do it for the family.

A father work hard for his son and his own life, he do it because he would like to see his son got the best education and he is a father capable to do so.

A boy keep bugging a girl because he sees the beauty in this girl the family will be great, that's why he kept doing it.

A thieve steals because he found job satisfaction and excitements, so he steals.

A king rules because he felt he is responsible for his own country.

I understand those and people do that naturally, very normally, but i am a son who do not live like a son, i should be someone's lover yet who have no motivation to do so, i see no trace that i will be a father, or take up some important roles in my job, i have friends but friendship to me isn't that important (sorry), parents to me ain't important (deeply sorry), achievement and money does not attract me, love affair used to but i don't feel like it anymore, dear god, what have i become?

Then one day I suddenly read this: Your problem is focusing on your problem too much, pay attention to other people's problem, then your problem will be resolved.

It is not your life, your parents, neither the environment nor religions make your life sucks, it is you and you alone Calvin, you thought you need to be understood so you can get on with your life, it is you who need to understand rather than waiting to be understood, it will never happen and you will always stuck at this situation complaining this and that.

Lt. Dan Taylor and Forrest Gump

At the end of the year I am under invisible pressure, firstly i ain't doing my job too well so far, not getting there, and adapting Hong Kong culture as a local HK-ese drive me crazy. I am to re-think and re-organize the way people talk before i respond, and it kept loading in my head so it seems a little delay, i hope i will come to all the “amazing” culture in Hong Kong, it wears me out. Sometimes just want to run away, but few things keep me here like a missionary responsible for people they don't even know.

I do know few people is reading my notes from time to time, quite glad to hear that although it was not my initial objective, sometimes i write only because i feel like it, act as a channel to release my stress, to me it is more like a wank *sorry to be rude*, you do it not because you like it but you need it, most of us prefer a real woman, just like i prefer someone who i can communicate, but when i have none in Hong Kong, i can only put things on the facebook, or pray to God, i don't like Him, always being an asshole.

Anyway, Lt. Dan Taylor is a character from the movie Forrest Gump, I used to dislike this movie because it is so boring, there is no fight, no explosion, no sexy women, when you were a kid, you just want something exciting, not looking at a dumb man talking about his life, of course later on this has become one of my favorite.

In the movie, Dan Taylor is a very serious solider, all his families are solider so he felt he has to carry this special mindset and pride, that he has to become the best, not to put shame on his family, and the ultimate glory is to die on the battle field. At first of course he had this American Christian religious belief diverted from Washington and Lincoln.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?

Forrest Gump: I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.

Then someone as "stupid" as Forrest came along, do everything right and straight, and the most ridiculous is he become the hero who save him from the battle field.

He hated it, angry to God, because he felt he should be the one who become hero, he should be die in the battle field to achieve his life objective, he should be the one who get on camera and remembered the people, and he felt even angrier is in the whole wild world the one who achieve all these isn't a perfect hero in his head, but someone like Forrest, an idiot in his eyes, he could not accept it and put all the blame to him.

He has already lost his legs, being kept alive, living a low life. And when Forrest looked for him again,

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: That's what all these cripples down at the VA talk about: Jesus this and Jesus that. They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening and if I found Jesus, I'd get to walk beside him in the kingdom of Heaven. Did you hear what I said? WALK beside him in the kingdom of Heaven! Well kiss my crippled ass. God is listening? What a crock of shit.

Later on he has found the meaning of his life again when he went to shrimp fishing, still not going very well.

Forrest Gump: [dejected] No shrimp.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Where the Hell is this God of yours?

Forrest Gump: [narrating] It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up.

In the storm he has finally released his anger towards all his unhappiness.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Blow, you son-of-a-bitch! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me. I'm right here. Come and get me! You'll never sink this boat!

You know I have watched this movie for couple times, I see a little bit of myself in him, in Forrest, in a lot of character, i have also written a comparison between Forrest Gump and James Bond, but Lt. Dan Taylor's character has pinned in my head.

You see people don't blame or get angry to God/ Heaven when their life is good, they give thanks, there is this guy who has lost everything in his life and wrote the book, conversation with God.

When people in trouble, we find solution, want to resolve them, and squeeze ourselves from the pressure zone, there are loads of self-help books talk about self-esteem, how to be success, increase your EQ, the insurance company have them all, otherwise agents like us can never survive under such condition.

Not everyone has to come down to that stage you know, there are a lot of great people out there can totally rely on themselves get through hard time, in the end Lt. Dan Taylor has settled with his hatred and make up with "God", get marry and have a normal life.

To me, i cannot understand why i have to live with reasons, because sometimes i admire those people can live just because to live, no questions about anything but look for a something better and it is ok, they always say i think too much, but I only live once you know, no matter i go to heaven or not (actually I will), i cannot convince myself, i don't know what I am doing, i cannot waste my life like Lt. Dan after 4-5 years still wondering whether God is a son-of-a-bitch, so i say it now when the storm has not here yet.

My unsatisfactory only belong to myself, what i have asked Him was so simple, fuck your rules, give me a simple life, be free or die trying, i don't need to be someone great, pick someone else, like my father, he can die for you like religious freak, but I have enough for this sh*t.

I start to realize I am still like Lt. Dan Taylor, circle around to the same problem again and again wanting to find a exit.

The way we see

Today went hiking with 3 friends, everyone grew mature so I better catch up.

This year is the first time I actually feel I am a local hk-ese, consider place to eat, play and have fun, like all hong kong people, hard to adapt at first but soon will able to pick up.

When we were young, I believe the way i think, i was always right and figure out a way to change the world and all those injustice, to make things revolve around us.

Later on i found out the world has never changed and will never change, as I grow up, i watch the same book, watch the same movie, listen to the same words, i just thought, oh well, what did i know.

I am so glad I picked to right job to get down-to-earth and realistic in an incredible speed, I had some doubt at first, but the more I stay, the more I see and it is too exciting to me.

I felt like Newton being hit by apples fallen from the tree, except I was hit by 100 instead of one, it is awesome.

For example, when i was like 5, I always like to go to McDonald, all I cared is the burger, it cost  $5.

Later on the way I attracted to McDonald is because the girl I really liked go there very often, I found out those cute little toys come with the meals do attract girls to spend.

After that I was doing my university in England, i start to take notice the pay roll in McDonald as a part time job.

When i was working in China, I understand how cheap those toys are made in China and how McDonald purchase those toys to maximize their profit margin.

And now I have entered the business world, whenever I went into a McDonald, I start to understand their management style, advertising and the elements make them a guarantee success.

In 20 years, McDonald have not changed fundamental, I do.

It works in every single things I conduct these days, it completely blow my mind! I love it!

Simple life

I never thought this job would make my life simpler, God's leading keep letting me see the way i used to think is wrong, bias towards many things.

I thought i was already so complicated, why do i have to go into a field require more complication? In the end i found out this field require people to be simple minded.

Cold call? You don't care whether he is the president of the united states or a drug addicts, you do and say exactly the same thing.

When i go out to meet up with friends, you just take normal stuffs, ask them whether they need insurance, if yes, good, if no, never mind.

I wake up at 8 everyday, arrive at the office at 9, meeting till 10, lunch around 12:30, left around 5-6, dinner appointment if possible. Football on Saturday morning, weekend fellowship, couple drinks at night, sunday morning service, sports and dinner meeting randomly with my peer groups, volleyball, badminton, hiking, football, i guess if it is summer swimming would be in the list too!

Colleagues seldom have interaction, Manulife is such a traditional company can drive active people crazy sitting in the office all day, sometimes i can't bear it i had to go downstairs to play couple games in the game station.

The manager concern about my outlook, the way i talk, whether the right words should be used, no bad feeling, whether the color of the ties fits my shirt, or my hair are too long...

It is like back to boarding school.

I always thought i need a simple life, not that my life weren't simple, my thoughts weren't, so i was convinced if i live a place with a lot of pure people my trouble would go away.

There were time i wanted to hide in Europe, and there was another time i was working in China, maybe i can marry a local girls can settle down for some small business.

Later on i found out if my mind is complicated or i think too much, no matter how quiet and simple the place is, my life will always be complicated.

The wisdom of God is always above human's understanding, my boss say this field is a place for mind game, i disagree, i could not imagine i could find such a simple life in one of the busiest city in the world. Whether what other people think? It doesn't matter.

Pursuit of happiness

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

–         pursuit of happyness (2006)

I always believe in an ideology despite the reality shown me they are good ideas, say if a perfect system exist, the imperfect lies amount the human.

American was never look so good when the hollywood created a beautiful packaging amount, like many of us, there is nothing wrong with it because sometimes we need packaging for other to believe, that's how the each person works, each society works and how the world works.

To me I don't want to be like that, i want to be someone my inside and outside match each other, if I am happy, my appearance show I am happy, if i am sad, my face should be sad, when I am jealous, i tell someone i am jealous and when i am anger, you don't want to see that.

I like that movie, maybe it has exaggerated from the real story a bit, never or less the idea is clear.

Happiness need to be pursuit.

Anyone who dream of something beautiful and do not put that into action, all those dreams will remain dreams, what the declaration of Indepedence clarify the RIGHT to pursuit all those things, freedom to work hard and enjoy life, under this boundry, we don't see many amercian work hard for their life.

Today I met a client, a brother of my friend, I was dead honest to tell him that success belongs to few, true happiness won't come without tears.

American is a country believe in freedom, even with that most people do not pursuit but wait for happiness to come, it will never happen.

Hong Kong lies between the western world and the eastern world, in a cruel way we do not dare to obtain the freedom western has already taken for granted, neither we want to be trapped in the extreme traditional chinese culture, it makes people harder to gain an objective, just don't see the point.

I have to work from a very basic fundation, my mum started to suggest the idea i should work for the government, stable job in another word, understandable from parents' point of view, but I can't do that anymore when i am carrying something more important than my happiness.

Yet I know I will have it.

The night is darkest just before the dawn

Haven't written for awhile, mostly too tired and spend time mess around with GTA IV.

Hong Kong is an interesting place, working in the center of the heat you have people earning a million per year up in the office while some woman earning few thousand a month just right down the corner of the building, and a meal  just cost you from thirty bucks to few hundred, nowhere in this world can have this scenario around the world.

Now the problem is the financial crisis makes people worry, my company are tense, not that i usually do not affected by the atmosphere, still when sometimes i need some fresh air i just pop downstairs to a bookstore or a game station to relax for several minutes.

Maybe my sense doesn't do much of the work or I have not much money at the moment, I have spent a lot time to concentrate on the training since it is too quiet.

I do call up few friends no matter whether they take it as a wrong intention there are things need to prepare for the coming trouble.

What i see so much depression and fear, require to be understood, of course i can, no one gain as much understanding for someone who has passed the same problem and get over it already.

If you know how much my nature against this position, plus i hate the way people see me, the more i believe God put me in an unreasonable from human point of view for a reason, for consolation and  hope that might be important for those who has been chosen, seize the case between conflict, i wish i can get the job done as quick as possible and get the hell out of there.

The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, actually not me, the dawn is coming.