Little women

Little Women or, Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy is a novel by American author Louisa May Alcott (1832–1888). Written and published in two parts in 1868 and 1869, the novel follows the lives of four sisters — Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy March — and is loosely based on the author's childhood experiences with her three sisters.

I honestly feel this book have influenced a lot of successful stories and drama e.g. Friends, Desperate Housewives, etc which draw pictures of small people with close relationship.

It is never about changing the world nor saving the humanity, or going to the moon.

The reason why I have chosen this topic is because we had an annual meeting for Manulife the insurance company 2 days ago, since the economy went down, the insurance company have to cut down the cost in making a good mood! that affect the location of the events, the quality of the promotion, etc.

Basically this sort of meeting are held once a year, all agents (around 3500 people) have to go there to listen some bullshit they try to inject in our brain.

This year's theme is the "art of war" by Sun Tzu, manulife have taken the 5 elements within it but totally abuse the true meaning, but well, it is about the mood with drums and everything make people believe what they are saying, that's not important.

To me, insurance in board view can be extremely complex, it cannot fit into one men's brain because the system is too complex for one man to handle.

But fundamentally why people chosen to have protection is not black and white or how much money, people are looking for caring and listener, support and friendship, someone they can see and rely on, not a piece of paper that can be claim money when they are dead.

When it comes to that, I suddenly realise what have the whole insurance industry has gone wrong, there should be millions of little stories like little women happening in real life, together it construct an extremely large human network around the world, instead of % on the huge projector saying: we are winning!

What the fxxk is that? the system is like a skeleton of the building, but what people care is not the skeleton of the building, but how they feel comfortable living within it.

after 6 months, I finally realise why people hate insurance agents so much, not because the system has anything wrong, but it is how the insurance company train us in a wrong direction.

We don't sell policy, we sell protection.

We don't sell funds, we sell relationship.

We don't sell the company, we sell trust.

Wargame...

Today i have joined my friends to the first wargame, it felt great! i always had love for guns and battles and wars.

thanks to my cousin she was awesome with her husband to make this happen.

i had a close encounter experience have people fight each other, it is only a game but when you are in it, you want to take it seriously, freakly tired.

it is always different when you imagine in your head and actually do it, holding a airsoft gun and clicking a mouse button to play a first person shooter already have a lot of different, i cannot imagine how much different it must be to be in a real war firing a real gun.

when i was back in uk doing my computering business, i met this British solider who was serving in iraq who wanted to get a gaming computer for his birthday present. talking to him on the MSN stating he has his UK standard rifle next to him make me feel so cool, then i realized it was not that cool after all.

i felt my strength start to build up after my mindset was fixed, still i was not able to claw between the grass for a very long time.

yet a very big impact to me today is i want to know more, experience more, because when people say i know something and he did not actually did it once, you cannot take his/her words seriously.

driving game and real car is different

watch the animals in TV and really get close to them in real life is different

how would people feel and behave differently when it comes to war and fighting?

I asked the instructor about something with the sniper in wargame. he said in a real war, the sniper range 800-1000m while a normal rifle range around 300-400m, when a solider ed to run from 800m to 300m able to put the sniper in his attack range, he has to run 400-500m between covers carry 20+kg load.

but in a wargame, an airsoft sniper rifle has only 60feet range while an airsoft normal rifle have range around 40 feet, it is pointless because the player only need to run about 20 feet to put the sniper in his own attack range.

there is still a huge different between war game and real war...

Giant leap for Chinese men

first Christmas in Hong Kong after 8 years, did not go out, cannot be bothered, already too tired, this is good and bad thing about single during the romantic festival.

Anyway, went to China my ex-work place to get back some clothes, have lunch with the boss and his lovely wife with my mum, good to see some colleagues and i definitely feel better, i have felt i have already able to fuse in with the local Chinese, it took away many bias from the western education about China, they are very happy to see me too.

this is more solid to see that the factory is remind stable during difficult time, i hope i can heavily invest in this company who has a lot of potential, esp. when i know the people, it was the only reason i dare to work in china while most of the people cannot stand it, it was hard but it definitely the right and good move, happy happy.

I become more clam and less abusive about my life, thanks God to that and those who secretly pray for me, i think God will reward them 100 time more than i can afford.

To grab some fresh air, i have the tendency to become more God-centre and less self-centre, whenever i do that i felt my problem isn't really a problem, whenever i want to act according to my desire, i felt heavier, because i put all the unnecessary baggage on my shoulder while i can share it with God and make my life easier.

Another sweet thing i heard is the flower on my ex-boss's wife table, there were time the company in an extreme situation my ex-boss have arguments with his wife, he can be very abusive and egotism as well even though he is a Christian, very understandable if you have worked in China, anyway his wife got very very upset and decide to leave the job.

What his wife's bearing is very important role and basically devote herself into her husband's ambition, all my ex-boss did was send her flower, write a sorry card and apologies, and his woman able to totally devote for her husband because of love again.

it sounds not a big deal, it is a big deal, i start to understand all women fundamental want the same thing, just a little things can satisfy them then they are totally fall for a man they love, and why on earth most of us including myself find it so difficult to do those little things? i mean is it really difficult? yes it is, it is goddamn hard, why is it so hard? i ain't so certain, but to me my ex-boss did a great job at the age nearly 60, he isn't a nice guy, and people should know nice guy cannot run a factory.

That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for Chinese men!

As great as I can be

People think great person is someone like a war hero, one against 100, or some sort of big-cooperation CEO, or someone invent something to change the way we live, or extraordinary people who save a little kids from car crash, etc.

They can be, not as great as those who live among the reality, a single mother who raise her 3 children all by herself, or a disable person who live a optimistic happy life, or a normal people who has courage to stand against injustice..

Yet even greatest hero or the strongest need time to beg for mercy sometimes, feeling weak and lost the purpose and question for what?

The single mother can explain there are so many mother don't care about their own children, their children is living fine, I can just relax myself for awhile, they will be fine as long as I don't feed them drugs or something, if they choose to go down the wrong path, it was their own choice.

The disable person can say to himself, among all these people why it is me who is disable, do the maths, calculate the %, check the statistic fact sheets, i don't see the reason i belong to this %.

Those who oppose the unjust can say, there are so many unfairness in this world already, mine should not be so important, just let it go.

You know great people do not lie in front of the mirror, the work behind them, those people cannot been seen, make them whoever they are now, and the more i see it, there is no try being, there is only force being, no mother want to be single, no one want to be disable, no one want to be treated unfairly, all these little things we encounter each day has become a sticks hitting us behind us.

You see after the children has grew up, will the mother say i would like to do this again? If the disable person have a chance to get well, will he not take it and say I am fine because i have already living a optimistic life? Or will the victim of injustice claim he/she would like to treated unfairly again because it is so cool to fight back?

So what a great man suppose to live is like when people ask him before his death: Do you want to live again?

He should say: Nah, I don't want to, it was so goddamn hard but what I did was necessary and good.

To understand, not to be understood.

Writing this song with the song Come what May from Moulin Rouge.

Few things that support our livings, Love and being love, care and being cared, Friendship, Family, job satisfaction, being felt important, recognition, praised, reputation.

Life is a like a movie, watched by many, understood by few, and lived only by you. I know what most of us going through our mind, every day we are making choices.

And sometimes can't help it look back and wonder what would i become now if i have chose differently. I wish I have this and that, but the reality hit us so hard, things just don't happen according to our will.

And funny enough the way we see things kept changing, we thought this is the best option I am making, when we looked back we can always say, i was young and stupid, i thought it was the only choice.

Once and awhile, what i really wanted is to get away from my religious family, maybe find a place next to a sea side, get a local jobs, happy enough to support a family, maybe before that i could have tried couple relationship :), Brighton in UK could be a great choice, i don't like get connected to too much people, peaceful and quiet place suited me more, i only require a CD player and a TV and a computer in the house, very very simple, no more complex religious arguments, no politics, no financial worries, just simple.

It turned out reality has not happened, not even close, first my parents still alive, second i don't think i can get away from the religion in my life, thirdly i am already in the financial world, and finally my job is to build relationship, and i can guarantee you Chinese see relationship more important than money, so the quiet and low key life will never happen.

My parents say they have devoted me to "God" before I was born, most people think it is a joke, it is not, this is like winning the lottery 10 times in a row, you won't get away with this at all, all the things you experience and feeling with differ from the majority, you will be extremely lonely even surround by many, and you can never share what you need to bear, and you can never get away with that.

The Christian say it is such a honor, that's a blessing, it seems they don't know what the fuck they are talking about, that's bullshit, God suck this up big time.

As simple as I wanted to be, few romance can't be wrong? Or watch few cantons should be alright? Few comics book looks wouldn't be asking for too much? Got drunk and had some fun should not be forbidden? What has my world has become such a painful experience?

You know how did the great philosopher Aristotle die? He was murdered from the election of the Greeks, because people were so annoyed by his action how he kept going on the street asking people do you know what is the purpose of your life? The guy who were cropping porks in the market replied, how the fxxk do I know Aristotle? I crop porks because I am cropping it.

So is he great or an annoying person?

A mother feed her children, she felt joy to see her children grow, that's why she do it for the family.

A father work hard for his son and his own life, he do it because he would like to see his son got the best education and he is a father capable to do so.

A boy keep bugging a girl because he sees the beauty in this girl the family will be great, that's why he kept doing it.

A thieve steals because he found job satisfaction and excitements, so he steals.

A king rules because he felt he is responsible for his own country.

I understand those and people do that naturally, very normally, but i am a son who do not live like a son, i should be someone's lover yet who have no motivation to do so, i see no trace that i will be a father, or take up some important roles in my job, i have friends but friendship to me isn't that important (sorry), parents to me ain't important (deeply sorry), achievement and money does not attract me, love affair used to but i don't feel like it anymore, dear god, what have i become?

Then one day I suddenly read this: Your problem is focusing on your problem too much, pay attention to other people's problem, then your problem will be resolved.

It is not your life, your parents, neither the environment nor religions make your life sucks, it is you and you alone Calvin, you thought you need to be understood so you can get on with your life, it is you who need to understand rather than waiting to be understood, it will never happen and you will always stuck at this situation complaining this and that.

Lt. Dan Taylor and Forrest Gump

At the end of the year I am under invisible pressure, firstly i ain't doing my job too well so far, not getting there, and adapting Hong Kong culture as a local HK-ese drive me crazy. I am to re-think and re-organize the way people talk before i respond, and it kept loading in my head so it seems a little delay, i hope i will come to all the “amazing” culture in Hong Kong, it wears me out. Sometimes just want to run away, but few things keep me here like a missionary responsible for people they don't even know.

I do know few people is reading my notes from time to time, quite glad to hear that although it was not my initial objective, sometimes i write only because i feel like it, act as a channel to release my stress, to me it is more like a wank *sorry to be rude*, you do it not because you like it but you need it, most of us prefer a real woman, just like i prefer someone who i can communicate, but when i have none in Hong Kong, i can only put things on the facebook, or pray to God, i don't like Him, always being an asshole.

Anyway, Lt. Dan Taylor is a character from the movie Forrest Gump, I used to dislike this movie because it is so boring, there is no fight, no explosion, no sexy women, when you were a kid, you just want something exciting, not looking at a dumb man talking about his life, of course later on this has become one of my favorite.

In the movie, Dan Taylor is a very serious solider, all his families are solider so he felt he has to carry this special mindset and pride, that he has to become the best, not to put shame on his family, and the ultimate glory is to die on the battle field. At first of course he had this American Christian religious belief diverted from Washington and Lincoln.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?

Forrest Gump: I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.

Then someone as "stupid" as Forrest came along, do everything right and straight, and the most ridiculous is he become the hero who save him from the battle field.

He hated it, angry to God, because he felt he should be the one who become hero, he should be die in the battle field to achieve his life objective, he should be the one who get on camera and remembered the people, and he felt even angrier is in the whole wild world the one who achieve all these isn't a perfect hero in his head, but someone like Forrest, an idiot in his eyes, he could not accept it and put all the blame to him.

He has already lost his legs, being kept alive, living a low life. And when Forrest looked for him again,

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: That's what all these cripples down at the VA talk about: Jesus this and Jesus that. They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening and if I found Jesus, I'd get to walk beside him in the kingdom of Heaven. Did you hear what I said? WALK beside him in the kingdom of Heaven! Well kiss my crippled ass. God is listening? What a crock of shit.

Later on he has found the meaning of his life again when he went to shrimp fishing, still not going very well.

Forrest Gump: [dejected] No shrimp.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Where the Hell is this God of yours?

Forrest Gump: [narrating] It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up.

In the storm he has finally released his anger towards all his unhappiness.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Blow, you son-of-a-bitch! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me. I'm right here. Come and get me! You'll never sink this boat!

You know I have watched this movie for couple times, I see a little bit of myself in him, in Forrest, in a lot of character, i have also written a comparison between Forrest Gump and James Bond, but Lt. Dan Taylor's character has pinned in my head.

You see people don't blame or get angry to God/ Heaven when their life is good, they give thanks, there is this guy who has lost everything in his life and wrote the book, conversation with God.

When people in trouble, we find solution, want to resolve them, and squeeze ourselves from the pressure zone, there are loads of self-help books talk about self-esteem, how to be success, increase your EQ, the insurance company have them all, otherwise agents like us can never survive under such condition.

Not everyone has to come down to that stage you know, there are a lot of great people out there can totally rely on themselves get through hard time, in the end Lt. Dan Taylor has settled with his hatred and make up with "God", get marry and have a normal life.

To me, i cannot understand why i have to live with reasons, because sometimes i admire those people can live just because to live, no questions about anything but look for a something better and it is ok, they always say i think too much, but I only live once you know, no matter i go to heaven or not (actually I will), i cannot convince myself, i don't know what I am doing, i cannot waste my life like Lt. Dan after 4-5 years still wondering whether God is a son-of-a-bitch, so i say it now when the storm has not here yet.

My unsatisfactory only belong to myself, what i have asked Him was so simple, fuck your rules, give me a simple life, be free or die trying, i don't need to be someone great, pick someone else, like my father, he can die for you like religious freak, but I have enough for this sh*t.

I start to realize I am still like Lt. Dan Taylor, circle around to the same problem again and again wanting to find a exit.

The way we see

Today went hiking with 3 friends, everyone grew mature so I better catch up.

This year is the first time I actually feel I am a local hk-ese, consider place to eat, play and have fun, like all hong kong people, hard to adapt at first but soon will able to pick up.

When we were young, I believe the way i think, i was always right and figure out a way to change the world and all those injustice, to make things revolve around us.

Later on i found out the world has never changed and will never change, as I grow up, i watch the same book, watch the same movie, listen to the same words, i just thought, oh well, what did i know.

I am so glad I picked to right job to get down-to-earth and realistic in an incredible speed, I had some doubt at first, but the more I stay, the more I see and it is too exciting to me.

I felt like Newton being hit by apples fallen from the tree, except I was hit by 100 instead of one, it is awesome.

For example, when i was like 5, I always like to go to McDonald, all I cared is the burger, it cost  $5.

Later on the way I attracted to McDonald is because the girl I really liked go there very often, I found out those cute little toys come with the meals do attract girls to spend.

After that I was doing my university in England, i start to take notice the pay roll in McDonald as a part time job.

When i was working in China, I understand how cheap those toys are made in China and how McDonald purchase those toys to maximize their profit margin.

And now I have entered the business world, whenever I went into a McDonald, I start to understand their management style, advertising and the elements make them a guarantee success.

In 20 years, McDonald have not changed fundamental, I do.

It works in every single things I conduct these days, it completely blow my mind! I love it!