Big problem Small problem.

This Sunday service the speaker who own his own business talked about the recently financial crisis, the worst is yet to come, as well as the company district meeting.

It made me re-address my own financial status and asking few close friends to address that as an issue too, mostly feel comfortable and few feel stress.

It is the time when i feel absolutely powerless how much i can do, I can't be like Jesus stopped the storm by words, and I ain't so great neither, still have trouble working out my past, the one I love greatly misunderstood me, I have guilt towards my family, take pressure from great expectation, hardest time adapting a job I never thought I should be in, and impossible to seek peace from God.

It does occur to me most people, i would say none of the people I have met have shown me a bit of hope that they contains their own problems, relationship, works, worries, family, etc.

I used to think all these small problem will become no problem when a bigger problem comes around, the more I understand this world (only like 4 months), I am wrong.

Enormous talk with friends and relatives let me know the small problem is actually the biggest problem, even to me what trouble me most is why that girl don't talk to me? Or why my father throw away my lovely toy when I was like 5 years old, all these little sad memories cause me problem facing everyday.

Now I would like you to know most people do not admit this is because we are adults it makes us look like a little kids moaning about why my boyfriend say I am fat?

And the reality reflect that it is the truth all these little things seems more important than the big problem personally, say I would like to warn people the financial crisis will hit us harder in the next few years, there are things we need to know, in some extend (not that I do not concern) I felt I am spending so less time practicing my selling techniques or my image, because when the reality hit us, it will force people to put money into secure place e.g. Insurance company, that not i worry about, clients will roll in.

Everyday i would like to talk to people to resolve their little problem, this mother talked about her daughter hasn't come home for few days, she asked me what on earth our teenager think about? The girl concern she will never get marry, or this guy kept saying he is not confident enough to get a girlfriend, my patient is truly tested.

Ignore the money and commission and purely looking at the board picture in front of us, my logics want to scream out: check your priority.

But whenever i want to do that I look at myself, how different am i to them? I might be intelligent, I might be wise, I might have theories, but fundamental I am always trouble by all these little problem, you see i know what to do to prepare for the upcoming crisis, but how long does it take me? 30-60 minutes?

Yet how long does it take me to overcome those little problem of mine? Why the girl i like hate me? Why i have a childhood like that? Why i have so many questions? Why do I have to born? Why i have to struck in here? Why God put me into this difficult position? Will I lose my job?

90% of my time! Not that i ain't working, but for example today, i decided to make more cold calls, yet i have spent 30 minutes sit there in front of the telephone wondering this is too fxxking hard, do a bit facebook, throw few questions, read something, then I decided to go home because I have a holiday tomorrow.

Now this is the little problem that cause the world big problem, never over-population, never the survival of the mankind, only 1% of the population concern about those things, I used to be that 1%, but now it seems I have to learn to focus on these little problem of mine before I try to resolve those big problem.

Law of Large Numbers

Law of Large Numbers (LLN) is a theorem in probability that describes the long-term stability of the mean of a random variable. Given a random variable with a finite expected value, if its values are repeatedly sampled, as the number of these observations increases, their mean will tend to approach and stay close to the expected value.

Too complicated? Ok, for example, what is the chance of throwing a coin getting tail or head? Everyone knows it is 50/50.

but when you actually do it and throw a coin 10 times, what percentage do you get? Maybe 3 heads 7 tail or 6 tail 4 heads right? Yet when you increase the times of throwing, e.g. 100 times, 1000 times, 1 million times, the more you throw, the chance of getting the expected percentage 50/50 will  get closer and closer.

Useless information? I know, but we live under this law every single day, just we don't feel it because none of us will do the same thing over and over again.

How is this practical? It pays extremely important part in insurance, but I am not going to talk about that today.

Recently I am making cold call, according to LLN, the expected successful rate of getting an appointment from cold call is roughly 3%, it means when i make 100 calls to random people, no matter how i charming or use the best techniques, the appointments i will make is between 2-4%.

Most new people who don't know this rules they will spend enormous time to work on their techniques, but after awhile they know it is the same no matter how hard they try, just do it and keep it simple.

I know the theory, yet knowing the theory is one thing, actually do it is another thing, i scared like everyone else, no one want to hear 97 no and only 3 yes.

My manager's manager is a 40 years old woman, career type, when she started her career in insurance she had no friends since she was back from Canada, therefore cold call was the only way, after 15 years she now has roughly 1000+ clients, all from cold calls.

According to this law of large number, and consider she is so good at selling that her successful deal closing rate is 1/3, she have made 100,000 cold calls, in order to get 3000 appointments to achieve that 1000+ clients.

Can you not respect that?

I have started my first 100, and my deal closing rate is so low, like 10%? Long way to go kid, this is crazy.

Three Weddings and a Funeral

This month i have attended to three weddings and last night I have finally attended to a funeral.

I want to know more about human emotion since i have no experience in my entire life, i read people like a wikipedia.

Sadness = is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness. When sad, people often become quiet, less energetic, and withdrawn.

Happiness = is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy. A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have been taken to defining happiness and identifying its sources.

I don't know for what reason I have none in my life, I got all the reason I want to blame my parents and their education, but at the same time can i really blame them?

Anyway can't work out the shitty past they claim to be good, I am off to the highway now, weddings are happy place and funeral is a sad place, i want to understand both, why men has tears and why woman wave their hands before they get marry. Then I have found out I am such a sad person living a life like this, i have lost my 26 years, the more i think of it, the more i want my parents go to hell, well, i can't, because i should love them, “should” but i can't.

Anyway, as polite and civilize person i feel sorrow for them, yet I can't even I want to understand their pain, the funeral is a mother of friends of my dad, they served in the same church and split up, haven't talked in years, they saw me grew up and i saw them debate with my dad, my mum and myself represent my family.

The funeral is held in Chinese Christianity tradition, even that it is full of sadness (please note sadness is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness.), i prefer the western one, simple and less religious, bring some flowers in the afternoon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, everyone wearing a sunglasses, black suit, jobs' done, everyone go home. I want to know what it feels like when I lost someone I love, but I don't want to see that happen at the same time?

The Chinese one has to be at night, sometimes the relative have to stay over-night, then every guest has to walk along and look at the dead people to pay our final respect, i had no intention to look at a dead woman i don't even meet in life, but i am sure the respect have to show for those who is still living today.

For my own funeral this is a big no no, why look upon the dead when respect and love only mean to those who once lived? For those important to me will eventually meet in heaven anyway supposed to be something really happy.

I had no contribution but I start to realize if I want to understand more I need to experience more. It is another confirmation why I need to take this job as an insurance agent, is to learn how to understand.

Core Value

Value investing is suggested by Warren Edward Buffett, it means when you place your bet on something, do not see its current price but pay attention to its true value.

For example, a can of coke cost $5, but there are rumors saying the cokes are poisoned, therefore the majority are affected and sell every coke on their hand, and it causes the price of a can of coke drop to $1 per can.

What Buffett suggest is, you should not make selling/ buying decision according to the current price, but find out the truth whether the can of coke really has been poison, if not, buy as much as possible because the price has dropped, if yes, sell all of them.

I soon find out it just not work on objects but on person as well.

Not long ago a cousin of mine got some relationship problem, and it caused a devastating effect on her, causing her to a very bad situation, most people including her boyfriend and her parents so disappointed, her ex-boyfriend said to me: Who want a girl like that? And even her mum moaning about this to me and say: Sometimes why on earth this is my daughter?

It is when the majority just take what it seems, do not want to seek out the true value and missing all the good bits in life, it also explain why the few are successful investors. I love people and intend to seek for their core value, for she is pretty and tough inside, I know at some point she will able to pick it up herself, it is just the matter of time and need not worry, a helping hand would be nice, even not just shut up and let her stay down for awhile.

One of the scene in the movie Rocky, he has been beaten up so badly laying on the floor, he has only 10 second to get up, he want to struggle to get up, but his coach Mike shout at him: stay down. What he really means is ask him to fully use that 10 second to give himself some space and air to breath. This scene inspire me so much more than its main scene with gay rock music (am sorry but it was 1970). Sometimes you have to let yourself stay down for a little bit longer.

Firstly you need to know your value and those you rely on, if fooled by its current situation and "ugliness", you have missed out all the best bit in life, secondly, believe in your own value no matter what people tell you.

That’s how God have made me, that's how I believe in myself, that’s how I believe in my father and many friends and relative I have placed my trust in. Know the core value and have faith in it.

Reality 2.0

Our company has finished a marketing campaign in the last 2 months, there are 3500 agents involve and our district has around 800, the campaign started right after I apply for the job, so i was totally unpreperaed, firstly my reason of getting this job is to being really down-to-earth and understand the reality had no connection to me.

The reality is not as bad as I imagine, esp. getting in a good team under God's will give me a lot of insight, I have loads of question has not been answered but I am sure they will reveal as I experience more and more.

Not saying it is not difficult but there is always someone hand me a cup of water while needed, or remind me why I should be here because most outsiders even my parents and those who care for me would probably say: Calvin you don't need to be here, you have both the capacity and ability to get something better.

As good as it sounds I am working against my own nature and both bitterness and hardship must be paid for a long-term sweetness to come.

I have all the theories in this world inside my head, they sound all very righteous until you execute them yourself in a world I have never stepped foot in.

More and more I understand this path is a must do for my future as it forces me to see the truth ability, as a friend stated before, a girl with pretty face has better suvival chance than most guys who hold a phd or a master degree. I shared this in our team meeting and most of the people esp. those who presist long enough to remind here, enjoying the benefit they worked for.

No matter how good the words I use, every single day, week and month the result is right on the board to tell you the different who you think you are and what actually you are. Reality do not care whether you are PHD or a 40 years old single mum, it reflects the truth, either you are proud of yourself or it gives you a slap on your face.

Out of the 800 i rank 250, but the production is around 2000, which the top is about 1.4 million, this campaign tells me how it can be used as a model which reflect the behavior and reaction any organisation or the world when it is being pushed forward for a common purpose.

70% of the company earning is base on the work of 30% of the labor, it is when people are being pushed, firstly i am happy to be in that 30%, secondly i know i could be better if i had more time to adapt, work harder, listen more or not engage so fast.

these few days i put myself to bed eariler than normal days, to clear my head what i have been doing and whether how i see my past was just, the girl i used to love see me as a self-righteous crazy perverted creep in her email, it doesn't give me any feeling, but it makes me think, i used to judge people through my religious education background, i hated my father for that to death, so now i understand why she looked at me like that and not blame her that.

Everyone see things according to their own standard, sometimes I had so many question and start to question why on earth it is only me who raise so many question.

Yet as simpler I should think each day, my life is insignificant in the history of the timeline no matter what I do even to the most holiness or most evil my work/ influence will be forgotten, so that i need not worry how people see me because in reality one's image is the most unstable value can get, yet somehow people care about it most.

文字的力量

近來個市有ｄ靜，都是約下人食下飯，所以寫多少少．

以前很喜歡看一些名人的自傳，有時覺得為甚麼這樣都講出口，或寫這些東西跟自己有甚麼關係？不怕人如何看嗎？這是當我活在自己的世界所能理解的，以為全世界都要關自己事．

在這一刻終於明白人能寫自己的東西很多時候是讓自己好過一點，要不是一些回憶錄幫助相同處境的人，人如何看已經不重要．真的，有甚麼重要？說了甚麼令人討厭的，甚麼令人喜歡的，甚麼令人憎恨的，甚麼令人感動的，誰會理會？難道他會到你家打你或抱著你哭泣？看完之後就變成他腦中的0.1%．

世界最有影響力的都是文字．奧古斯丁一本「懺悔錄」就把歐洲之後千年的歷史改寫，尼采一本「上帝之死」就挑動起所有哲學家的神經線，希特勒一本「我的奮鬥」就挑起第二次世界大戰．金庸也說要是他的小說一百年後有甚麼人看他自己已經很滿意．現時最多的書第一是「聖經」，第二就是「人性的弱點」(How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie)．

自己兩本書都看到很熟，運用第一本時頭頭碰著黑，運用第二本時真的順風順水，如魚得水，但任何對自己誠實的人都知道真東西永遠都不會受歡迎，真相永遠都是傷心的，真話永遠都是難聽的．

千萬次問自己為甚麼迫自己不好好過些容易的日子，沒有人要求這樣做，或者寫些甚麼甚麼，對甚麼人付責任，要關心甚麼人．命運安排真的很奇怪，每次準備放棄的時候又會讀到些甚麼，然後就會：唉，都是要做下去．．．

試過有一次連書都不想看，阿媽竟然隨手拿篇野放到自己眼前，看完之後真的要命，講中全部我想逃避的事情，要是她當時知道對他兒子讀完之後對他將來有多大影響，她不會天真地拿出來，然後說：看啦看啦．

很多寫過的東西都是當時需要，沒有故意想得到甚麼人的認同，要是不寫就要死，寫出來好過點還是自己屈到病任君選擇，所以人說「悲劇是文學之母」．


文字可以成為最厲害的武器，也可以是最安慰人心的力量，能將別人成為自己的奴隸為自己利益行動，也可以賜人自由，能控制文字的人是世界上最有權力的人．我期望有一天自己能收放自如．

爛gag一個

有次補習個小朋友問我：如果魚係魚蛋粉，牛係牛腩粉，咁蛇係咩粉？

唔知．

答案：係Seven-Eleven．

我O左咀．

改變世界

甚麼時候很有大志，有要改變世界的雄心，地球要在自己手中轉動，萬國在自己腳下臣服．

甚麼時候太過孤獨，想有個心愛的人睡在自己的身旁已經很滿意，以為對自己的要求從改變世界到要求一個人睡在自己的胸膛上真的下降到底，才發現發現找個心愛的人已經很難，找到的時候發現她不一定也心愛你，心愛你的也未必願意靜靜的跟你在一起，到某天晚上她靜靜地睡在你的旁邊，看著她的身體，聞著她頭髮的氣味．知道明天大家就要分開了．

甚麼時候跟個很喜歡的女孩子吵架，說了些傷害的說話，忿怒她的無知，不能理解，後來自己冷靜下來，發現把自己的尊嚴都拖下水，她都是當你是瘋子，因為她跟本不在乎上太空不上太空，她要的只不過是一些快樂的生活．美國上月球的時候對人心的影響有多大？這些看似人類歷史的里程碑，不過如似．

考驗

前幾天教會幾個弟兄姊妹約聚會完去西貢行山，我未認真行過山，又話好呀好呀，今朝五分鐘才起床出門，甚麼都不帶，後來覺得好似有ｄ唔好，帶埋個空背包，又覺得帶個空包有無聊，又匆匆忙忙帶埋本聖經．聚會完幾個人集合，發現個個帶個袋，又有枝stick，又有地圖，行山鞋，外套，電筒．．．我只有個空包，部Nokia 1208有個小電燈．仲未知死．

去到西貢吃午餐，風大有ｄ冷，已經知道不妙．

三點半左右開始行麥理浩徑，領隊打開張地圖，要上兩座山，上到３９９米雞公山．沒有多想就行．跟想像完全不同，未認真行過，以為有山有水，點知一開波就上一百米的石階．發現自己成日將「簡單問題複雜化，複雜問題簡單化．」人隨口一句說話就無限放大，但行山就掉以輕心，以為好簡單．

不過handle到，見到ｄ風景區好舒服，一直上上落落，都要講信任身邊的人才是最重要，好明顯如果有另外的人叫我去，自然就會問得好清楚．

行的時候會想今晚打篇應該寫甚麼，個腦run得太快幾十個topic好快就有，但自己打字速度奇慢，如果有個秘書打字神速，或有部電腦可以口述，一日真的可以upload幾十萬字．有時知道自己很多想法可以幫到人，但有心無力，得兩隻手指按下按下先嘔一篇出來．

Anyway，行到六點左右在山同山之間，天色漸黑，大家都拿電筒出來，未想過夜晚行山．．．試過的人就知感覺　：）

七時多行完，十公里行了一共四個小時左右，突然覺得自己fit左好多，在英國最痛苦的幾年，差不多要死去，行完感受跟其他人是另一個景象．知道沒有選擇錯工作，四個月日日行街是不經不覺fit左，但是沒有指標，今日完全feel到身體回復五六成就handle這樣的難度，雖然不是很大的考驗，卻對自信心很有幫助，仲想通好多好多東西．

Perfect.

現實

昨晚吃完飯，個Friend駛架車送我返屋企，談了很久乾脆到大圍食糖水．在討論他跟女友結婚的問題，連自己有時候很難過自己的關，要不是自己做了基督徒，如何決定跟一個女人過一世？Anyway，重點不是這裡．最後談到現在大家的工作，他說：我覺得你不喜歡做保險．

你明白他不是第一個人，只是沒有人像他這樣直接，你看得出為甚麼跟有些人談兩個鐘就可以談出個天下，跟有些人說了半天繞大圈都是What the fxxk？認識到一個程度大家就不怕直接，這才是真正的朋友．

入行的時候不會有人覺得你這個舉動是多麼的不合邏輯，除了熟的朋友好奇問，關心自己的人想阻止這種自殺行為，一般人一聽都呈鳥獸散等．．．公司的上司經理都很小心處理，一是知道現實社會對這行的看法，二是怕前線有太大壓力會走．所以好像已經知道所有的東西，告訴你會見到甚麼甚麼的問題，如何去處理．．．

最普通的會叫你背個答案當人問你為甚麼要入行，上培訓同學仔想的，要不是幫人，老實的說是賺錢，有的說試下適不適合自己．．．導師的意思是，人同你買是因為信你，你表現不好沒有合理解釋你點做，我都唔怕畫公仔畫出腸，見你傻傻地信唔過你怕你做三個月就走人點同你簽１０年２０年單．說得太高尚人就覺得你假，說得太普通人就唔buy，終於感受到包裝的威力真的很厲害．好似個親戚一定唔理個plan是否需要，講唔中他心目中ｄpoint就bye bye，仲慘過追女仔，老實有時我擔心ｄ客cut單多過我冇交代．

一般人都有個錯覺覺得個Agent滿腔熱誠，說服個客時講到人感動到眼淚都出來，或非常專業好有上進心，就very good．其實真正有實力最perfect的保險員低調非常，不會是甚麼甚麼Top Sales，簽時沒有甚麼特別感覺，幾年之後結婚又見到佢，又簽多張，幾年之後升職又係佢，又加下保，幾年之後生仔，又係佢，又簽多張，接近退休又係佢，到準備身後事又見到佢，簡直好似ｄ隱藏人物一樣．只有我這種叫做第一年高調寫下日記，Sell下自己，寫夠365篇就出本書收下稿費，之後就收皮專心做隱藏人物．

個Friend問的時候是零晨兩點鐘，兩個人在街上慢慢行，街燈就照在腳下，他問得突然，我也答得誠實，自己非常討厭背稿（簡直反感），有求必應，有問必答，告訴你事實，甚麼對你好，你唔滿意，我也沒辦法，合理的你自己想清楚，不合理的可以再討論，見過面的都知道過程十分舒服．

我是不喜歡做保險．

好自然就會問：咁你仲做？

某程度我明白一般人包括我的老闆的期望，我熱愛這份工作，努力非常因為我愛死了它，你不喜歡做保險在這裡幹嗎？見到你都冇mood．

但我不是一般人．我反問個Friend，如果有人想學英文最快的方法是甚麼？當然是放他在英國生活，如果有人想學普通話最快的方法是甚麼？放他在中國生活，如果有人想最快學游水呢？當然是拋佢落水，要不是他學懂英文／普通話／游水他就生存不了．如果有個人想最短時間面對了解現實社會呢？當然是做最現實的工作，要不是學不懂就生存不了．

所以去了英國讀書是沒有喜歡不喜歡，去了中國做事沒有喜歡不喜歡，到香港做保險也沒有喜歡不喜歡，要達到效果就要放自己在一個環境內學不懂就生存不了，either you die or you survive．進步都是迫出來的，就是這樣簡單．

沒有在社會打滾過，像個小孩子一樣，甚麼都不明白，不論道理如何好聽，人都覺得你沒有說服力．甚至如果耶穌不到地上走一次，死一次，就是神的兒子也沒有資格說祂理解人的痛苦，祂可以說我有罪，但永遠都不可以說衪明白，做過人了，聖經才可以說：因我們的大祭司、 並非不能體恤我們的軟弱．他也曾凡事受過試探、與我們一樣 ．只是他沒有犯罪。

當然衪是不需要這樣，完全是出於神的愛，驕傲的人也不能理解，好像我有ｄ客死都唔買，要人求下佢保障下自己啦，問你死味．我暫時就沒有這樣大的愛心，你叫我fxxk off，我就fxxk off，我用求你ｄ時間見多幾個客仲好．等個客的mindset正常ｄ才再approach過．

以前有個中國基督徒同d癌症病人傳教，個個都叫他去死，你又沒有癌症你講冇都廢，於是他沒有辦法，就祈禱之求上帝賜他有癌症，結果他真的中左，之後大家都當他是自己人，好多都明白接受，傳完福音之後就醫好返．為了人靈魂的救贖就要這樣子，代價一定要比，現在自己唔使生cancer，仲有機會發達，I can live with that.

當我保障完全部我關心的人就大功告成．這就是我主觀的現實，執行時是極度困難，但這會是值得的．

恐懼

每個星期四都會入上水幫個小學生補習，一開始是個親戚介紹，入到上水一個鐘先得一百元，冇埋星期四晚個appointment slot，但有上帝帶領，上帝帶領通常在人的眼中都唔make sense，所以我都見怪不怪．加上自己同細路溝通十分有自信，所以都ok，叫做relax一下．

知道個細路仔ｄ英文好差，同佢阿媽溝通下，決定先見下面，佢阿媽話他好鍾意繪畫，一日畫到黑，但英文全部不合格，又打又罵都沒有用，但因為太討人喜歡，老師不會對他嚴格，每次默書考試都得幾分至三十幾分．

個小朋友不能用強，八歲，藝術家型，喜歡Tamama，記憶是用圖像，不是數字及字母，自己以前記英文都是大概串法，不是用音 ，做事十分隨心，但又得意太另人不能狠心對他，跟我一樣，我完全明白如何做．一開始給他極大的空間，如他喜歡繪畫，就比他畫圖在英文的旁邊代替寫中文解釋．不計較小節等，有興趣自己問．．．．

慢慢我看到他的核心問題，他對英文有一種恐懼，沒有自信，就愈想逃避，做些有自信的如繪畫，愈逃避就愈差，變成一個惡性循環．

有一次我故意給他幾個小默書，然後告訴他的分數，講分數的時候他搞笑地大叫：我唔想聽呀！！！有一次甚至走入黑暗的睡房，跑來跑去，同我講：唔好講比我知呀！！

他就是所有人的縮影，只不過小朋友沒有意識把恐懼收埋，而大人都會因面子用藉口不至弄得太難看．人本來恐懼的東西跟本就不恐怖，要不是對未知的幻想，就是不理解，不願意面對現實，終日在自己的問題上轉圈．幾個例子：千年蟲，面對以前得罪過背叛過的人，cold call，見陌生人，父母．．．我入行就是要迫自己面對真實的自己．

我捉住他隻手，把成績放在他的眼前，一天他不面對他的恐懼，發現原來不是跟他想像一般的恐怖，他都不會有突破．我告訴他不要緊，他怕面對現實，原來自己是如此差，我甚至要整個人坐在他的身後，給他極大的力量支持，他走也走不了，然後要他自己面對現實，自己讀出分數．

他說：我唔識．

我就叫他：唔好扮嘢！

他說：我唔得o家．

我就叫他：你得o家．

他說：我要殺死你！

我就叫他：得個講字．殺到你咪殺o羅！

星期三我要他準備今天早上的考試，溫When What Who Which How等問題．

問他：Who do you like?

他說：I like you.

:P

夢

大學的時候看過本雜誌，介紹那些健身的比賽．那個冠軍比賽前的三天開始不喝水，每天只吃粟米片，這樣可以將身體的水份抽走，令身體的青根從肌肉上變得非常明顯，到比賽前一天會在身上噴五層油上色，再用紫外線焗，保證在表演的時候的外表是最完美的，看起來是最強的時候．但他在台上根本連走路都有困難，任何人推他一把都會倒下（雖然不建議你真的這樣做）．

現實就是這樣，看起來美麗的東西都有毒，吸引的東西都沒有味，極多的東西外表跟內裡跟本不一樣，以為是這樣的原來跟本不是這樣子，連自己都是一樣．

前進還是有必要，變得很煩，上星期有個哲學博士學位的高級經理，問我為甚麼一早就唉唉聲，我告訴他因為很不滿意自己的表現．他說有點壓力是好事．今天問了我的經理拿了幾張Phone List，全部都是一些Director的電話，二百多個電話，兩元一個，明天要做最難的Cold Call．要是這個心理關口都衝得出去，這將會是自己事業跟人生的一個milestone．盡管我不知道這是不是必需的．

回家小睡了一回，夢見自己最心愛的人死了，自己穿著一套西裝，坐在一張沒有背的椅子上，單手扶著棺材，一個人在夢裡哭了一整晚．

當我看起來最軟弱沒精神的樣子，好像甚麼人都推得到，卻是內裡最強的時候，像是有團火一樣．

燃燒中的青春，把所有的規則都拋走，沒有比這更痛快的事情．

天意

星期六晚去了今個星期的第四個晚宴，但這次是做兄弟，早上接新娘，下午彩排，晚上負責影音，個MC一直都做得好好地，但有段ｄ人未準備好，個MC眼見口快叫左我個名，突然要上台要人頂．就用了三分鐘同二百幾人講解兩個人點認識，講到死死下，好在有神的同在才個腦才轉得夠快．

大家都是大學同學．當時男仔的形象是個死飛仔，日日穿貼身黑外套，所以我們比了他個外號叫batman，沒有太多人注意他．我當時的室友（這次婚禮的伴郎）和他最Friend．

而個女仔是個肥肥地好文靜的，大學都少香港人，不太多人認識，她的室友就是很外向的女孩（這次婚禮的伴娘）．

２００２年的英國聖誕，兩個人搞了個派對，請幾個人到她們家裡熱鬧一下．我跟室友被邀請，由於英國聖誕是超級悶的，我見batman一個人不知做甚麼，就好心打個電話arrange一下，就是很隨機的，大家都沒有所謂．

派對是如何已經忘記了，都是一般的平凡，三天後室友收到男仔的一個簡單SMS：他有女朋友了．但大學就是這樣子的，因為太寂寞，除了我這種強迫地做聖人成為超級絕緣體之外，大家都會找個伴，所以沒甚麼人在意．

但個男仔當時的形象是壞孩子，而個女仔的形象是乖乖女（記住是形象），所以大家都跌晒眼鏡，抱著看他們能有多久的心態．當時圈子內都有好幾對世俗眼光叫make sense d的情侶，現在都不知分開了多久，他們當時就是黑馬，沒有人看好，只是我們朋友之間有時笑下．

女孩的家庭是生意人，做中國餐館，很富有．而男孩的家庭是打政府工，好明顯女孩的家庭完全接受不了，把他們的掌上明珠交給一個「死飛仔」．父母之間又哭又鬧，要生要死，個男仔被迫學做人，上班之後去餐館幫手，見女仔父母不可以戴黑超，Gel頭，要學車，朋友看到要命得很，男仔個老豆要對方看得起自己，用對方家人跟自己個仔的名寫了首詩，令對方另眼相看，對方的母親由見到個男仔就「火滾」到最後認：人不可貌相．等等．．．．　內情簡直好看過電視劇．

６年掙扎後的今天，二百多人，包括我們一班英國朋友專程飛回來參加他們的婚禮，看見他們在台上，個男仔唱貓王的can't stop falling in love with you，其他人得個聽字，但新娘聽到感動得哭起來，我就看見所有美好的事都是很小的東西開始，連做了的人都沒有放在心上，但現實就是這樣發生了．所以不好說小事沒意義，沒有人會知道今天好心亂拋的種子將來會結成甚麼果子．

今天星期一男家的老豆請我們一班大學朋友遊船河，早上尖沙咀出發，十多人包括幾個英國人畢業後從各個地方因為聚集在一起，在船上喝啤酒汽水打牌釣魚曬太陽風花說月，晚上到長洲吃海鮮，最後全部人到甲板上聊天看圍港的燈飾才回家，這是人生不會多的機會．今天就當是自己的報酬．

我跟男仔的老豆在船上談了很久，把一些來龍去脈弄清楚一點，簡單地寫了這篇隨筆．

對於其他不關事的人可能這只是一個故事，但對於我這個親身經歷的人，他們還會計劃家庭，兩家的人事關係，子女，未來的幸福等．．是因為有人一開始手多打多個電話，你叫我相信世事是科學性隨機而沒有一種安排，我是不能接受的．

這些保險隨筆不真的是隨筆，我真的相信在可見的將來會帶來極大的祝福．